Little Angel

Little Angel
Originally uploaded by vczdavis

I am continued to be PLAGUED by the horrors of Daycare, and alas I think Holly may never be "well" This morning she was very stuffy and snotty, and I really wasn't sure if she should go to school or not. I had three work meetings, that while I could reschedule, it would have been difficult, and I don't have any time this week to reschedule. Joel also could have stayed home, but has a huge deadline at the end of the week, and a meeting himself that he didn't want to reschedule. So our morning began with, do I stay home, or take her to school, will they take, her, and even more importantly, does she really need to be home with mommy, even if they would take her. She hasn't had a fever, or puked her food since Friday, so there is only the question of mucus, she woke up very snotty. Well according to the school, clear snot is ok, its usually caused by teething, and they deal with it, but green mucus is a sign of an infection and they send her home.

I decide to call the doctor, now the advice nurse says this is ridiculous, and that when one begins to recover from a cold there mucus turns green, and at that point they aren't even contagious, because they really pass this along by sneezing and coughing, before they even "feel" sick or have symptoms. So off to daycare I am told. This rips my heart out, as my child is grumpy and obviously sick, but I need to be at work, and if she gets worse, i need to have sick days to stay home when she really needs me.

We have not had a Happy Holly over the weekend, since Daycare began, as she has the uncanny ability to get sick on Thursday night, in-time to be sick for my play date with her on Friday, to miss swimming, and to spend the weekend sick with mom and dad, if I wasn't so selfish, I would say this was a good thing, but I miss the playful little thing, and would like the weekend to go on play dates and take her out on fun activities.

So, this Friday I am looking forward to a "well" doctor visit where she will get her six month vaccinations, and a flu shot, now this is assuming she is well by Friday, so my option is, a sick child who can;t get her shots, or a happy baby, who will now be miserable the next two days precisely because she got her shots, lucky me.

Off to daycare we go, she is on the up, as I gave her some more Baby Motrin, now Joel keeps telling me not to do this, since she doesn't have a fever and thinks it does not help, and that she will build up a tolerance to it, so when she is older, or an adult (like me) it won't work at all. Well, true as that may be, I know from my own horrible sinuses that when they are stuffy, your whole face hurts and is in pain, there is a horrible pressure, it causes headaches, and your jaw can hurt, and I know this, cause it is how I feel this week. So I give her the Motrin, and within 30 minutes her spirits are raised so she at least can take a comfortable nap, and play some.

I get to school and find in her folder the following flyer:

Dear Parent,

Your Child may have been exposed to Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease (Coxsackle Virus. in the Infant/Toddler room. Symptoms begin with sudden fever, then with small painful sores in the mouth and throat, followed by a blistery rash on the hands and feet. Symptoms may also include stomach ache and diarrhea.

YEA ------GROSS-----Is there ANYTHING?? She isn't going to catch in the first month of Daycare? its STILL September...


{Sigh} I don't know if I mentioned this, but the week she was at orientation, there was a meningitis exposure..... So this is why I say I am PLAGUED by daycare, they really are the black death of sickness there, but I am told every daycare center is like this, and that she needs to strengthen her immune system, and if it wasn't now, it would be at three when she starts pre-school, or five when she starts kindergarten, and I suppose the older they are the harder it is to deal with a sick child.

In Reality, I doubt she will get this, but if she does... I will NOT be a happy camper.

Anyways.......

So actually seemed to have a pretty good day, she was fast asleep when I arrived to pick her up, officially 3 minutes late, but I don' think anyone noticed, I am actually having trouble getting to her by 5:30, which is very frustrating, today my guilt was abated by the fact that she was sleeping for the past hour, so I didn't miss out on spending time with her. I realized the following.. I used to be in meetings from 10-5 every day, and actually got my work done from 5-7:30 every evening. before, Joel didn't get home until 7:30, so I stayed at work until then, and those last two hours are when i got my work done. Now a sensible person might say I should get off of any committees and not have meetings, but that doesn't stop the constant interruptions, the phone calls from faculty needing help or training, and those hours, would fill up with faculty training, and I still wouldn't have time to do anything else.

I haven't seen the Therapist since I started work, not sure if I mentioned this, but the regional center provides one for free, I guess to help families deal with the fact that there child may have delays. I think it was helpful, but I also think I was dealing with things very well, so i only saw her twice monthly, and often less then that, but once I started to have anxiety about going back to work, she was even more helpful, and it made a difference. So I really want to see her again now that I am trying to manage being back to work, and have so much more stress, and I am short tempered and cranky all the time, but I have less time, because during her hours I am well, at work, and if I am missing an hour of work, I would want to spend that will Holly.. So I am still trying to figure that out.

As far as that goes, I am trying to come to terms with the whole thing, it is not practical for me to not work, particularly with the state of the economy, not only can we simply not afford it, "making it work" would require us to use up our entire savings, and leave me without great insurance and a job, so that if the market goes even further south and i need to work later, there may not be jobs for me. So I am not trying to simply get it out of my mind as an option and live in the real world, but sometimes when you want something, no matter how unrealistic it is hard to let got of the idea, especially when you are a determined person like me, who always gets what they want.

The thing is, I don't want to be home 100% of the time, even thought Daycare is a death trap, I think it is good for holly, and if she could be there 2-3 days a week, it would be great, being around other babies is a good thing, but even if she wasn't in daycare at all, without my income, we could never afford the things I would now have time for like, swimming, gymboree, mom'sgroups, YMCA memberships, toys, cloths, ect. And we would go from a Family who has never had to stress about money to one that was always clipping coupons and living paycheck to paycheck,I don;t think I can trade that stress for this one, I wonder if those circumstances would leave me as happy as I think. The last 6 months was a gift, but it was from the state of California, paying me to be home, my entire income from Family Medical Leave, and well, yeah my 400 hours of saved vacation time.

I know we will figure this out, and I need to give myself time to adjust, I have never had to make an adjustment like this before, one where I was not in complete control of everything, and everything was on my terms, and I was the master of my own destiny, so i need to learn to let go a little bit, and let what happens happen, do what I can and what I can;t well, I have to not be so hard on myself.... But that is easier to write and know then to do and feel.

My poor baby is coughing in her sleep again, last night she woke up twice, so I better go and check on her and get to bed myself its late.

Oh Yeah - The rest of our day was uneventful, we didn' have time for oatmeal tonight, but the last two days of oatmeal gave her very stinky farts and poopies. We did watch us some Yo Gabba gabba, and we did practice sitting in Ocean Time for a little bit, but she was tipping over a lot becasue she is sick and doesn;t have a lot of energy, she also started to whisper Baaaaaah again, which I was excited about. She was pretty mellow, not wanting to do much, and was happy to just cuddle with mom or day most of the night, she was asleep by 9:00 later then usual, but she also wasn't very active most of the night, she didn't have a lot of energy. I didn't give her Motrin this evening, which I should have, cause now she isn't sleeping very restfully.