Motherhood

Slowly Getting Better
Originally uploaded by vczdavis

I just read an amazing post on Static Vox by StatMom on Motherhood.

Please check it out, it in many ways articulates a lot of what I think and have gone through. But mostly it inspired me to write this post.

I too am a person who needs to control everything, and well In my mind and with my logic I though sure, kids have free will but I can be in control of them, I am of course the Mommy, but it didn’t take me very long to learn, and well I don’t know if I actually learned this or it just happened, but Holly is the one in charge, and well, it is a conscience choice for me.

I have several thoughts going on about this, so I will do my best to organize them, but the most obvious is her Fragile X Diagnosis. This immediately threw out the window any preconceived notions or expectations I planned on having for my child. That is not to say that I still don’t have many hope and dreams and goals for her, career, college, family, but it is a very real reality that some or none of those will happen, and what I really want is for her to be a Happy and Independent Individual.

This next comment may be a little revealing, but when imagining kids in a philosophical way Joel and I joked about how we would not have “control” over them, and all kids rebel. Whatever we wanted for our child, instead they might grow up to be.. Republican, or join the Military, or a Priest (you get the idea) and so while I was not a mom who would freak if my 16 year old wanted to pierce her eyebrow or get a tattoo, there were things she could do or want to be that would certainly rebel against my beliefs. Now of course I would love that child none the less. But now that I have *THIS* child I understand this philosophical conversation in such a deeper way, and well some days I think, if she has the cognitive ability to understand why she wants to be a republican, and can have debates and conversations with me about that, I will feel lucky that she has grown so well.

So moving beyond her diagnosis, I just recently participated in a study at UC Berkeley about parenting. As part of the study we did a 1 hour interview and were asked about our parenting style. One of the questions was whether I adapt the schedule to the babies needs or if she adapts to the families needs, and I suddenly heard myself saying, well of course our life revolves around what Holly wants to do. I then explained why I think this is important, and how I not only want her to feel that she is important and listened to and that her wants have value, but I also realized that I didn’t really have anything I wanted to do other then spend time with her. Now of course some days we have a Doctor’s appointment or Therapy and she just has to deal with it, and I have to keep her up from a nap, or take her out when that might not be what she wants to do, but on other days I basically follow her around. Each week I have a very full calendar of events we could go to. Swimming, Mother’s Group, The Zoo, Play dates, The park, Museum, and if at any given moment we are up to going out, we find an event and go, even if it is just Studio Grow or tumble and tea. But already at 10 months old, I can tell when she wants to chill and watch Baby Einstein, or when she wants to explore, or when the house is just too small for her enormous curiosity and she needs to go out and be social. While I may talk about putting her on a schedule, when she is hungry I feed her and when she is tired she takes a nap, and with not a lot of effort ton my part she has a natural schedule that emerges.

So it seems, without realizing it has happened, my life has begun to revolve around my child. Sometimes I try and carve out me time, we go to Baby Brigade some Tuesday Nights, and well to be honest there are nights that I know she would rather not be there, she wants to crawl around and she instead is confined to the couch or mommy’s lap, but for the most part, at least most days of the week from 10:00 AM – 10:00 PM its Holly time. Perhaps that is why I lose patience when she doesn’t want to go to bed. My way of maintaining a semblance of “control” is having some me time around 10:00 PM.

I have also embraced this new Identity, as you all know me by “Holly’s Mom” not Vicki, and well, I rather like being “Holly’s Mom” at least right now, when she is at an age where she doesn’t quite know she is a separate person from me, and I hear this can go on till 2-4 years old, I am happy not being a separate person from her. All too soon she will be a tween who is busy with her friends, talking on the phone, telling secrets, and be too Old to hang out with her Mamma, so if for a few years my life will revolve around her, I will cherish them while I can.

There are still some relicts of my old life. I still have my Celica, and I am convinced when she is in a forward facing car seat I will be able to find one that fits in the back seat of this two door, and be able to drive my “hot little ride” once more, but mostly I know this isn’t very likely, and if I decided to have another I will be a minivan mom before I realize what happened. I have all my “work” cloths, but I never feel like wearing them, I like my comfy cloths better so I can crawl around the floor and chase after her. And I keep telling myself I should sign up for a class so I can get out of the house.. But to be truthful, I don’t feel super ready to leave her with a babysitter, unless I can convince one of her friends mom’s and in less then a year she will be old enough for art projects and painting and play dough and even maybe ceramics, so why not rediscover all of those things with her.. And who needs to read a book, when I can read all those wonderful tales I love to her, Harry Potter, Narnia, His Dark Materials, and even more I haven’t even discovered yet. I am a kid at heart and I actually love children and young adult fiction, and read most of these stories long before they were films, or I planned on having a child, so really my life is just wonderful with her as my Sun and universe.

I never expected to take to Motherhood, but I feel like in having Holly as My daughter, instead of having to reinvent myself, I found out who I really am.