Book Club: Playful Parenting

In June we hosted the Book Club meeting at our place, as Arden the organizer was out of town. I was really looking forward to this play date for several reasons. It was gong to be nice to have the Book Club meeting in a baby proof environment where Holly could run around, and Mommy could actually have a an adult conversation.

I also was looking forward to it, because I thought the book was particularly interesting to me. It was called "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen. In attendance was Naomi and her daughter Madelyn who is almost 1 year old, and Barbara who has a grown daughter and spent a lot of time working in child care setting. Barbara and her daughter are starting a children's clothing store, which is pretty neat.

We all chatted for a bit, and watched the kids play, in case other's were to arrive. Sam and Ki emailed that they were sick and couldn't make it. Barbara said it was a nice change of pace to get to watch the little ones have such a good time together, and Naomi said it was a treat for Madelyn to have so many neat toys to play with.The book itself is really neat. I have only read half of it, but do intend to finish, and Joel has browsed through it and skipped around. What struck us all most about the book is how well it went hand in hand with the unconditional parenting book. Joel called it the "soft sell" when unconditional parenting was abstract, this book was nothing but specific examples to illustrate the theory behind it all, and in many cases the author didn't even bother to explain the why or the theory, other then to say it works, and it is a strategy he uses in his own therapy practice.

Joel read the section on Time outs, which spoke to him, in the other book he was left with a feeling of "BS" this doesn't make sense, and is extreme.. Time Outs aren't bad. But in Playful parenting, it clicked. He calls it, "the Meeting on the Couch" and anyone can call it, child or parent, and it means you take a break, whether that is because something is going down hill, or simply because you want to reconnect.

The notion of the book is that everything is about connecting with your child, and the way that you do that, enter there world is through play. I love this notion, and the book really rang true for me.

There is a metaphor about how a child is a cup, and they need there cup to be filled, and it is the parent job to do that. When the cup is filled they are cooperative, fun, and great to be around, but when it is empty, they may act out as a way to force us to "fill there cup" I have been practicing this with Holly, and of course a toddler of just over a year needs her cup filled often. But if I get down on her level, play her games with her, and do just what she wants, even for 5 minutes, her cup is filled, she is joyful and runs off to play, she won;t try and take me away from the laptop, or chores, or whatever it is I am trying to do, until her cup needs a refill. if I am too busy to give her that refill, she gets fussy and whiny and cranky, but if I take the time to listen, and play with her, she is filled and happy and a lovely child to be around, and we can easily balance our time together.

Sometimes though, it isn't just about Mommy wanting to do her own thing, even when we go to playgroups, she needs to check in and have me fill her cup. It gives her strength to navigate new waters, explore new environments, negotiate play with other babies, and when she hasn't checked in, or mommy is busy talking with the other mommies, then the cups gets low, her tolerance is low, she fusses or cries at little upsets. it is my job to watch her cup, and when she needs a refill, be sure to make that connection with her. At her level, face to face, eye to eye, and with play. Soon her cup is filled, it doesn't take much, and she is ready to concur the world again.

All this.. and I am only 1.2 way through. its a great book, and teaches us all how to be young again and stay that way.

I think the last thing I will say about this is that is works on children and adults alike, well at least my Hubby :-) i shared this with the group and thought it was fabulous. One day Joel came home in a grumpy mood from work, and i was annoyed with him for one thing or another, and I took a step back, and instead of my regular response of nagging or fussing, i was playful and teasing. This took him off guard at first, but he responded. Before I knew it his mood had turned around and he was responsive to my request as if it wasn't even a chore at all.

In the real world where we all live, you probably can't turn everything into a game every day, and you most likely don't have this kind of patience all the time, but the Author reminds us, that why not use fun and play, you would be using the same amount of time fussing, locking heads, arguing, or dealing with a tantrum, so spend the up front time on playful parenting, or negotiation, and int he long run, everyone is happier and there is more time for the stuff we want to be doing.