Office Toys

Office Toys
Originally uploaded by vczdavis

This past weekend Joel and I had a heart to heart and came to the decision that I didn't want to be working, and that I wanted to focus my time and attention on Holly and being the best mom I can. Joel is amazed at me when I am with her and so taken at how natural motherhood is, and has never seen me so happy. When I was on leave my time with Holly was sacred, for the first time in my life I lived in the moment, I was present and living every discovery, glance, and smile as she experienced it, and I felt blessed. I could sit and stare for hours and never be bored, agitated, frustrated, everything she did amazed me, even when she was crying and fussy, I had never known love like this.

After Holly was born, I told my mother, I now understood how much she loved me, because, before I had a baby, I never knew what that kind of love felt like, it overwhelms and consumes you, and though others warned me, it took my by surprised and the core of myself changed. I became someone new and was happy to give into that identity, I was Holly's mom, and that was all I wanted to be.

I know one day I may ask myself what happened to that ambitious and driven career woman, and if there is a time in the future when I miss her, I will be happy to set an example for my daughter and show her that there is joy in work, but I had lost myself. I had been working in a job that was very stressful, and overwhelming, it was my identity and my life, I never turned it off, and for a time that was ok.

The thing is, without realizing it, or having anything to measure my life, eight years have gone by and nothing had changed, I have a higher level position, I make more money, a have an advanced degree, I have more responsibility, but my life did not have more meaning.

Now I have a timekeeper, and every moment is precious. I can't believe that almost 7 months have gone by since I was in labor and embarking on this journey, and I honestly knew I would never forgive myself if I allowed myself to miss any of it. So this past weekend we decided I would quit my job.

This is a big change for me, because I am a very hard working, loyal, and committed individual, who has always put others before myself, including my organization, I valued myself on my accomplishments, at they were all materialistic. I am starting a new journey, where the way I define value will transform and I will again be able to enjoy each moment and be present in my surroundings and notice the beauty through my child's eye. I feel so lucky that I can do this.

Joel didn't want me to go back to work 1 month ago, but he never told me this, he is such a supportive husband, and he will do whatever it takes for me to be happy, and for the past month that meant dealing with me when I was tired, cranky, grumpy, and supporting me, even though he wished I would be home with Holly. He knew that my job was important to me, and he knew that I could make it work if that was what I wanted. but what he didn't realize is that being at work, was not what I wanted anymore. Sure, the struggle would diminish if I kept at it, and I could try and Balance everything, but I am the kind of person who likes to give 200%, and when that is 200% to both Work, and My Family, they both Suffer, and I feel like a split individual, so when I asked myself what I wanted, it was not to try and find a balance, but it was to allow myself the opportunity to enjoy my life and my child without feeling any guilt, or as if I wasn't contributing to society, but to value my decision, and look back with no regrets.

So on Tuesday I told my boss I would be resigning. While no one questioned my decision, and everyone understood, and many people told me that looking back, if they had, had the opportunity to do the same thing they would have, the weight that had been on my shoulders for the last month began to lift, and my heart filled with excitement, as I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

That is not to say that there will not be any hardship or struggle. the bay area is very expensive, and a single income home is rare, we will have to tighten out belts, and dip into our savings, but at least for a while we can and will make it work.

My boss offered me part time, and I knew that part time didn't mean part responsibility, and knowing my self better then some realize, I knew I had to remove myself from the situation, because I could not share my focus on Holly with anything else, I wanted to truly be in the moment with her as she discovers the world, not thinking about an upcoming report, meeting, or presentation. So I turned down her offer. As the day progressed I shared my news with others who were all shocked and saddened, for it will be a loss to the college to see me go, but everyone I can across knew I had made the right decision and applauded me for my bravery, because in these economic times, leaving a job like mine is a scary thing to do. I look ahead no longer in fear, but with building joy, as I can't wait until my last day, and to say goodbye, and to turn the page.

This was a book that I had been reading for a very long time, but it was time to begin a new one.