I've Been Tagged

I would like to thank beth @ Fragile What?! for tagging me with this meme.

The Rules:

1. Link your tagger and list these rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog. Some random, some weird.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as linking to their blogs.

4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Seven facts about me:

1. My dad is a retired Illusionist, who now does Pyrotechnics, Snow, and other Special Effects. We grew up traveling around on Tour and he did stage magic all over. Later he was on tour with Kiss doing their Concert Fireworks, and then started his own effects company: http://www.effectspecialist.com/ Here is my Mom Levitating

2. When I was little (pictured to the left) I lived with my Parents, Grandparents, and a troupe of 12 midgets that traveled around and preformed, they came to the US escaping from Austria for the 1939 World’s Fair. They also Appeared in the Court Jester with Danny Kay on Wikipedia Here, The Wizard of Oz, and in the 70's several times on Saturday Night Live. They were all like my grandparents, and lived with my family until they passed, away. Only my Grandmother is now left, who prior to Marrying into my grandfather's show business act (Hermines Midgets), was herself on center stage in Ringling Brother's hanging by her teeth doing acrobatics 20 feet up, balanced on a pole on someone's forehead. Here is a Video clip from the Midget's in The Court Jester.

3. Because of my family businesses we travelled and moved a lot growing up, and in 12 years of Primary Education, I attended 13 different schools. Here is a Picture of me as a Baby, Doesn;t Holly look just like me??

4. I have an BA in English Creative Writing, and a BA in Broadcast Communication, Yet somehow (I think my hubbys influence) I ended up in a job doing Educational Technology, so I earned a MS in Education with a focus in Online teaching and Learning.

5. I met my Hubby Joel in October 1993, My first Semester at College; we started dating on November 17th. 4 Years later on 11/17/97 he asked me to Marry Him. One year later we moved to California when Joel got a job here, from Florida in August, but returned to Florida, in November, on 11/17/08 (a Tuesday) and we got married, the wedding and reception was at a place "Kapok Gardens" that looked like the renaissance, with aqueducts and beautiful gardens, but they were closing down, and it was technically a Guitar Center, as they had already moved in and opened the store in 1/2 of the building. My dress matched the look, as it was a replica of the dress Drew Barrymore wore in Ever After to the Ball, sans wings, made by my dad's costume designer and seamstress, we only had to pay for the materials. Joel and I will be celebrating 10 years Married and 15 together, this year 11/17/08, and we are both just 33. (We have almost been together 1/2 of our lives.) Holly is our first baby.

6. When I was in High School I was totally into Hair Metal Bands, and Punk Rock. When I went to College, I loved the Grateful Dead, and went to several shows in the South East. I wanted to be a DJ but the San Francisco Radio market was too difficult to break into. I was an Online Radio DJ for like 2 years.

7. I have written 2 1/2 Novels, 1 Screen Play, a Memoir and Several short scripts and stories. I Script is in the Horror Genre, and I sent it to several production companies, I have a file of Rejection letters that I keep with pride from paramount, DreamWorks, John Carpenter’s Studio, and Many more. I actually did speak with two producers; one was working on a similar film with Wes Craven, so passed on mine. I plan to get back to writing while I am home with Holly, and turn my 2.5 Novels into 1 good novel. I try and participate in nanowrimo each year, this year is my 4th.

Are you up for being exposed?!?!

So here are my nominee's for Taggage:

1. And then there were two..

2. Just a Bunch of Nothin

3. The Other Lion

4. It's all About Potential

5. The X Mom

6. fragile mom

7. Sunny Day

Some of you have already been Nominated but haven’t posted yet, so I thought I would Nominate you again. If you have done this in the recent past just leave a link to it and please don’t feel obligated to participate, because I know not everybody likes doing these things. But if you feel inclined, have fun with it! I look forward to seeing your posts!

Holly & Minocycline @ UC Davis Mind

http://www.flickr.com/photos/vczdavis/2917330565/
Originally uploaded by vczdavis

Holly was the first baby to take Minocycline. She began on 7-17-08 and ended on 8-19-08. Many have been interested in the recent research on this and the trial they are launching. If you read the August Archives of this blog, you will see my journal during the Minocycline trial. Another Mother Asked me some questions which I will post and answer here:

QUESTIONS:

I had a couple of questions about the medication, and if you're comfortable with me asking, was it the minocycline that you were using? Was the trial for a month only, and how would the progress be measured? Was your daughter hitting the regular developmental measurements before this drug trial, or were there very noticable delays?

Forgive me for being so inquisitive, but I am just so eager for this medication to be available for the next phase of trials. Our son would benefit so much from having some medication that would improve his memory/synapses.

I guess all of us on the listserve are in the same boat, just praying for a cure that would set our kids free to be fuller participants in life.

Thanks

ANSWERS:

Holly is my first baby, so to be honest, if I had not already known she had fragile x I may not have known she was delayed. She is however receiving early intervention services, and according to the reports, on the 6 categories they monitor, she is on target for social, about 2 weeks delayed in Self Help, about 1 month in cognitive, 6 weeks in fine & Gross Motor, and 2 months in Speech.

That said, she does move forward and make progress, but does not hit the miles stones right on time. She tends to learn in bursts, and may fall very far behind, 6-9 weeks, then suddenly catch up, as if there was one single skill she was stuck with and she finally got it. Things like finding her feet, or chewing on them, reaching and grasping toys are delayed. She did just learn to sit on her own, but she does not push up when on her belly or roll onto her belly. She also doesn't really babble, at almost 7 months, but today she said maba maba bababa so I will be posting that she in babbling. She isn't hitting two toys together or shaking/rattling things, but she can hold her own bottle, smiles watches you.

So again, her OT/PT/IDS know she is delayed and work with her weekly, and there are some things I notice other babies doing that she does not, but as a first time mom, because she does learn new things weekly, I may never had known.



Now onto how they test it all.....

Since the drug trial (minocycline) that we did with Dr. Hagerman was sorta a trial run to help develop a study and not part of an official study, it might be different for you. But we used two things to test it. The first was the Mullins assessment, which is a diagnostic test where they play with her, give her different objects, see where her skills are, like will she pull a cloth or string to get to a toy, if you put the toy under the blanket does she know it is there, does she transfer the toy from one hand to another. They did this before the 5 week trial and then again after.

The second item is an eye tracking test, actually 7 of them, where she watches short videos and the computer analyzes where she is looking, does she look at the face, if you play music then show a picture on the left, then right, then left, will she anticipate the correct side when the music is played again, can she see the vibrations of black
and white lines in 4 boxes and notice which one is a different pattern, those types of things. Again they did this before and after.

Also direct observation by Dr. Hagerman, and the journal I kept of her progress and my observations. In Holly's case I noticed an increase in attention, concentration, and focus, I noticed her verbal skills seemed to increase. But here is the catch...

Was this because of the minocycline? Was it because of her therapy? Was it normal growth and development from 4-5 months of age, we don't know the answer to this. The lab analyzes the eye tracking data and sees a big improvement, but until they have a control group of normally developing non fragile x babies to compare to, they won't know if her improvement is typical, or a typical, or where she was in comparison to other children, normally developing, or with fragile x, on the medication, or off of it. So really there needs to be data collected from three groups, and all of it looked at.

That said, there are really no side affects, (except during development, it can cause your adult teeth to come in grey) so we felt like there could be no harm in taking this. She was young and at an age when her synapse connections are forming, so the thought was that they would form "correctly" or at least have a better chance if taking it.

The reason we did one month (it was supposed to be 4 weeks, but we added a 5th because the first week was a smaller dose and she spit or puked most of it out), is because the mouse trial was one month, and eight months later, positive results were still shown in the mouse. After the trial ended there was no loss of skill or regression that we could tell, and its hard to say, but I do not think her gain of new skill has slowed at all, so I think the positive effects are still there, but again, there are many factors contributing to her development. Holly was the first Fragile X patient to take Minocycline, so it was all in development, and theories, and trial and error.

It is possible she might take another course of the medication, especially I think if her delays increase or her development slows, to see if it has an effect, and when she turns 10 months, she will do another eye tracking test to see how she has progressed, over 5 more months.

I hope that helps. I think I will post this responce to my blog in case other's have these same Questions.

Tuk Tuk Thai

Tuk Tuk Thai
Originally uploaded by vczdavis

I didn't quite make it to bed last night by 1:00 it was closer to 2:00, and tonight its oh my, already 3:00. In the morning, there is a neighborhood safety meeting at like 9:30 AM. Joel doesn't want to go, as he is anti-social, I was planning on going with Holly to meet the neighbors, but now I may not, as it is really early and I am way tired.

We had a really fun Saturday today. I slept in, but only until about 11:00, as Joel wanted to take a shower, and then he was Hungry, so he made us yummy eggs and cheese and tofu bacon for breakfast. In the morning, Joel and Holly Played, and they had a music lesson, on the keyboard, where Joel would play a not for holly then tell her what note he was playing. Holly had Yummy rice cereal for lunch. She was a very sleepy baby, and simply did not want to take a nap, she has been doing this fighting sleep thing recently, where she gets so cranky because she is tired, but doesn't want to lay down and rest and I have to figure out just how to comfort her to get her to sleep. This afternoon it was the swing, but not the first time, the first time she wasn't having it, so i let her play in ocean time for another 30 minutes are so, and then she went back into the swing and fell fast asleep.

After Holly's nap we went shopping, and first we went to the Thai Supermarket, Joel made Red Squash Curry, using mostly all the ingredients from the veggie box. He only spent like 10$ at the Thai store, and made enough food for the week, plus has tons of ingredients for other yummy Thai Dishes. This particular Curry had Squash, eggplant, onion, and red pepper among other things, from the veggie box, and the sauce had the curry paste, tomato and coconut milk. It smelled very good. It also took Joel all night to make, but he was having such a blast. He got all teary cutting up the onions, then when her sauteed then with garlic, my eyes got all teary.

Holly had fun at the Thai Supermarket, she played with some cool tinsel and was amazed by how sparkly it was, and it felt prickly on her hand. Next we went to best buy to get a blue tooth keyboard and mouse for my new laptop. We discovered that the laptop will hook up to the HDMI Cable on the TV so I can play spore, or do other computer stuff on the big TV, and with the cordless keyboard, I can do it all from the couch. I am super excited. I may also be able to watch Downloaded movies from there as well, until we have a media server set up.

At this point Holly was sleepy, she was walking around best Buy in the Bjorn, and had fun, and we thought she would fall asleep in the car, in fact she did, but then when we took the car seat out, she woke. Our next stop was my office, I had to pack everything up and bring it home. This took maybe 2 hours. I changed and fed Holly while Joel started going through my supply closet and files. I ended up packing two boxes, one of files and the other of Misc. Stuff to take home. Also a few bags of books and various conference materials, All of my art work, knick Knacks, personal belongings, ect. It was sorta sad at the end, as the office is barren, and now the boxes are sitting in the car, soon to be the garage. Joel says we should turn the guest room into an office and set my stuff up down there, but I'm not sure what I want to do yet.

Holly was cranky most of this time, because she was very tired and did not want to sleep, nothing would make her settle down, finally I put her back in the car seat, covered it with her blanket, and rocked the car seat, like the swing, i had to do this rather vigorously before she would settle, but it worked like a charm, and she slept maybe the last 30 minutes at my office, and then another 20 on the way home.

I think she is having a growth spurt, she ate 5 1/2 ounces in one sitting today, and then was hungry twice withing less then 90 minutes since her last meal. This evening, she was such cutie, playing, swinging, in ocean Time, in her bouncer, and hanging out, but again, we got home at around 7:30, and she was up at 10:00 tired but not wanting to sleep, finally a last bottle and daddy's cuddles got her to settle, but she woke up again at 1:30 for another bottle. She had been sleeping through that feeding, but maybe with the growth spurt she was just hungry.

Another thing she is doing today is really tugging and pulling on my ear, and well my whole head and face, she is trying to grab it, and I think she is trying to give me kisses, in fact, a gross story, she was holding my two cheeks, and trying to grab at my face and I went to kiss her and she spit up in my mouth.. I know gross right.. I almost puked, Joel came and rescued me with a cloth and a diet coke, but yuk!! Seriously Holly, you gotta get that kissing thing down, not the puking on mommy thing... But I love her just the same.

Sleep - Sit - Sleep

Sleep - Sit - Sleep
Originally uploaded by vczdavis

I Love This - Watch the Whole Thing, and Please Register and Share... (warning: very funny but contains some not-safe-for-kids language)

Do it for our little ones.

Musical

Musical
Originally uploaded by vczdavis

Friday,

Today was a super fun day. Daddy took Holly to Daycare for Mom this morning, which was a lot of help. She had to catch up on work and pack her office and go to meetings. But after a hard day's work she picked up little Holly and they went off to swim class, which was lots and lots of fun. We had not been for a few weeks, and Holly had not had a nap for about 3 hours when we arrived so she was getting a little sleepy. She was quiet and a bit cautious in the water, focused and super cuddly, wanting to hug momma and lie on her shoulder. But by the end of class she had warmed up and was having a lot of fun, she liked it when I threw her into the air, not just raising her up, but actually letting go, which I did only once, as I was trying not to over-stimulate her, but that was when I got the biggest smile and laugh, during the "Mighty Duke of York" song.

She also loves the part of the "Wheels on the Bus" song, when we sing, "the parents on the bus say I love you," and then kiss the babies. She smiles every time. I think she is understanding that a kiss is a form of affection, for example, yesterday when I picked her up, she threw her arms out for me to take her then grabbed my head and hair and opened her mouth and planted it on my cheek and nose. I totally think she was giving me a kiss.

Today when I picked her up I was sad, as most of the babies were asleep, but Holly and Sasha were playing with one of the teachers. Holly was lying on the big cushion, and had a soft spider toy in her hands that she was exploring, and the teacher was on the floor, leaning on the pillow next to her talking and singing to her, with Sasha in her lap, and the three were having a great time. Her teacher told me she heard that we were leaving and that she was very sad and that Holly was one of the sweetest babies she ever has had.

She made me promise that we would come and visit, and said, many parents say they will, but you really have to. She also said she wanted to see Holly when she learns to walk, and all in all, they were disappointed to see her go, but understood that Mommy wanted to be home with her.

After swim class Holly was wiped out, and fell asleep, So I drove to the pet store, she woke as we were going inside the store, so we looked at the birds and fish and baby turtles, and got some food for Mack, a very large red-eared slider turtle, that we are babysitting, that belongs to Tanta Kat who is currently in the Peace Corps. Holly really likes to look at Mack, but also likes the sound of his water filter, which is like a constant fountain.

The we went to the Supermarket, I am trying to save money since I won't be working anymore, and although i spend about $120 on staple foods, I saved another 44$ which was 27% I was excited about that. The only item that I got that was not on sale was coffee for Joel, and that's something you just can't take away from such a good dad / hubby.

I am not sure how to act now that I won't be working, I am used to either having enough money to buy whatever I want and not thinking about it, or to being poor and not able to buy anything. I am not sure what middle ground is, and I am not sure where in the spectrum we will be. So I went and got us Panda Express as a treat for Joel, so he would not have to cook, this was 18$ Now for that much, I could get a bag of frozen chicken, pasta, rice, sauce, and have meals for 3 days. But it is also like cheap fast food, and not like when we normally go out to eat and spend $50 so I didn't know if I should get take out, if I should feel guilty, or what. Joel of course thought it was a great idea, but I am the one who does the finances. I think it will be ok, I am just a lot more mindful of not waisting any money now, which is a new thing.

I have to be careful though, we don't want to give the impression that we can't afford anything because we can still afford things, but we should be spending on only what we need, not everything we want. The difference is our income now covers the bills nothing more, nothing less, so there is no more disposable income, to randomly buy stuff, except our savings. since that doesn't get replenished every two weeks like before, we need to be sure that we need something before we get it.

Its a balancing act, and I am finding my legs a bit wobbly still.

That said, I am going to join in with two friends and purchase a family pass to the Oakland zoo. it allows for 3 adults and 4 kids, so each mom will get one parent pass, and each kid will get one, and one has 2. It ends up being only 33$ each and we can go anytime we want for an entire year. it is also free parking when you have the membership. This is exciting. I have also been researching the SF Zoo, Free day 1 time a month, and the SF Moma, so there is a lot we can do on a dime.

Once we return from Virgina we plan on going to the zoo, and they are having a big Halloween event on the 25th, so that should be fun also. Joel loves the Oakland zoo, but obviously won't have time to go as often as me and Holly, so when he wants to, we still can, and he can just pay for him. This weekend we plan on going to my office and cleaning it out, I have a lot of art and other personal items there that I need to box up and bring home.

Tonight Joel and Holly played in her room, because Mommy wanted to watch a TV show that Daddy didn't like. They had a lot of fun playing with her piano. She doesn't quite get how it works, and knows when you bang on it it makes noise and this makes her happy, and she does bang on it with two arms, but she doesn't quite get that it's the keys you have to hit, so sometimes she misses and then is sad when it didn't make a sound. But she will get it I am sure.

More later... Mom is going to try to get to bed before 1am. PS I plan to go back and add some more pictures to these posts when i get them off my Camera. I haven't done so yet, because I am waiting to transfer all my files from my work laptop, to my new dell xps, which BTW I love and is pink :-)

Overalls

Overalls
Originally uploaded by vczdavis

Thursday was a pretty good day, Mommy had totally forgot that Katie's normal Friday Appt was moved to Thursday afternoon, so at 4:20 I was in the middle of archiving email, and saw my calendar pop up, so I rushed out of the building and off to daycare. I called Katie to tell her I would be late, and Lucky for me, she was stuck in traffic, so we both arrived at the house at 4:45. Holly was a little bit fussy when we got started, I think this has a lot to do with her not wanting to work or be away from Mommy right after coming home from school. She cried for a minute, and was wet, but once I changed her and got on the floor with her, she was ready to play.

We worked on rotation, and supporting herself, we did some standing, some tummy time, some reaching and playing. We talked about how Holly is not yet clapping, patting, or banging two toys together yet, so she is a little behind in that, but I am not super worried about it, she seems interested, but her high tone is really preventing her from having the more relaxed movement. She has been banging herself in the head with her hand, like her daddy, and with a soft toy. So her arms are completely capable of doing this movement when she wants to.

Katie thinks the head banging is good, and her way of exploring her spacial area and where she is in the surroundings, like this is my head, ect. She has also discovered her ear, and has been holding the top of her ear, and she has been feeling her hair as well. She is really into textures and like to pet different types of materials.

Also when you put her down on all fours she stays upright like that, and is even trying to go into a sit or stand position, by bringing her leg around and forward. She is not however pushing all the way up from outstretched tummy legs. She also still needs more practice with holding her big noggin up. But all in all she is doing great. Exhausted, she was out like a lamp by 6:00 when Katie left for a long nap.

Mommy was so tired, that she let Daddy and Holly play at 7:30 when he got home and went and took a nap herself for a few hours. By the time she woke up, Holly was just going down to bed. Daddy reported that they had a fun night together, and Mommy felt like she was able to keep a cold at bay for another day, with the well needed extra rest.

Holly managed to stay in these cute overalls all day, and was quite adorable with her little navy and white poke-a-dotted top.

Upside Down

Upside Down
Originally uploaded by vczdavis

Here is an article about the Trial medication Holly was on.

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UCR Researchers Propose Minocycline as a Promising Drug for Patients with Fragile X Syndrome
Study leader Iryna Ethell awarded FRAXA Breakthrough Award for 2008
(October 3, 2008)

Print Quality Image: Right click image and select "Save Target As." UC Riverside research team involved in the Fragile-X project with minocycline. First row (left to right): Iryna Ethell, Tina Bilousova; second row (L to R): Jennifer Aye, Douglas Ethell, Lorraine Dansie, Jonathan Charles (Michelle Ngo, not shown). Iryna Ethell is holding the Breakthrough Award of the Year awarded to her by The FRAXA Research Foundation. Photo credit: Ethell lab, UC Riverside.

RIVERSIDE, Calif. – A UC Riverside-led team of biomedical scientists has found that a readily available drug called minocycline, used widely to treat acne and skin infections, can be used to treat Fragile X syndrome, the most common inherited cause of mental impairment and the most common cause of autism.

The study's findings have already impacted future therapies, with the approval of a new clinical trial in Toronto , Canada , that will test minocycline in patients with Fragile X.

Neurons in the brain communicate with each other at specialized contact sites called synapses, with many of these synapses occurring on small mushroom-shaped structures called dendritic spines.

During early development dendritic spines have immature finger-like shapes. But learning stabilizes the synapses and dendritic spines take on a mature mushroom shape, which make them more efficient.

The brains of patients with Fragile X syndrome have an overabundance of immature dendritic spines.

In their report, the researchers, led by Iryna Ethell and Douglas Ethell, faculty members in UCR's Division of Biomedical Sciences, describe how dendritic spine development in mice with Fragile X is delayed by enzymes called matrix metalloproteinases (MMPs), which are involved in normal brain development and physiological processes. They report that high levels of certain MMPs keep the synapses immature and inefficient.

But minocycline, they found, reduces these MMP levels in the mice, allowing the synapses to mature and make more efficient contacts between neurons in the brain. The outcome: corrected brain abnormalities in dendritic spines, reduced anxiety and improved cognitive function.

Study results appear online, ahead of print, in the Journal of Medical Genetics.

In their experiments, the Ethells found that young Fragile X mice treated with minocycline showed an increase of dendritic spine maturation in the hippocampus, a brain area that is critical for learning and memory. Besides less anxiety, minocycline-treated mice showed better exploration skills as compared to untreated mice.

The Ethells are enthusiastic about how their discovery already is leading to a clinical trial.

"Clinical studies often quickly follow such basic science because once there is a solid understanding of how problems arise, it is much easier to come up with solutions," said Iryna Ethell, an associate professor of biomedical sciences.

The study was funded by a grant from the FRAXA Research Foundation. FRAXA was founded in 1994 by three parents of children with Fragile X to support scientific research aimed at finding a treatment and a cure for Fragile X.

Dr. Michael Tranfaglia, FRAXA's chief scientific officer, said of the UCR researchers, "This group has done something unique and incredibly valuable: They have identified an off-the-shelf treatment for Fragile X through their basic research. By bringing their unique perspective to Fragile X research, they have helped us to understand why neurons are malformed in this disorder, and more importantly, how we can treat it.

"We were so impressed with their work that we just awarded Dr. Iryna Ethell the FRAXA Breakthrough Award for 2008. This is easily the most important scientific breakthrough in the Fragile X field in many years."

According to Dr. Carl Paribello, president of Fragile X Research Foundation of Canada and the director of the clinical trial (scheduled for early 2009) at Surrey Place Centre Fragile X Clinic in Toronto, Canada, the UCR-led study "will go a long way towards dispelling the idea that mental impairment cannot be treated."

"The work could lead to the first treatment that actually targets the underlying defect in Fragile X syndrome and not just the symptoms," Dr. Paribello said.

UCR's Douglas Ethell, an assistant professor of biomedical sciences, noted that effective therapies for Fragile X syndrome are few and far between. "This is a good time for identifying highly effective therapeutic strategies that might work in Fragile X patients," he said. "We are excited that our research has the potential to affect many lives."

Fragile X affects 1 in 4000 males and 1 in 6000 females of all races and ethnic groups. About 1 in 259 women carry Fragile X and could pass it to their children. About 1 in 800 men carry Fragile X; their daughters will also be carriers.

Minocycline belongs to a group of antibiotics that has been used in people for more than fifty years to treat Lyme disease, acne, and other skin infections.

Minocycline may have beneficial effects in other disorders where higher-than-normal brain levels of MMP-9 are found. It is currently under study for treating rheumatoid arthritis, multiple sclerosis (MS), Parkinson's disease, and several other neurodegenerative conditions.

"In the future, new compounds that more specifically target MMP-9 can be developed and tested," Douglas Ethell said.

Next in their research, the Ethells and their colleagues plan to refine the therapeutic strategy in Fragile X mice to determine the optimal age, if any, to administer minocycline. They will also explore other MMP inhibitors that may be more effective than minocycline.

"We will investigate whether a combination of MMP inhibitors with other drugs, such as fenobam, can help mature the synapses in Fragile X mice," Iryna Ethell said.

The Ethells were joined in the research by UCR's Tina Bilousova, Lorraine Dansie, Michelle Ngo, Jennifer Aye, Jonathan R. Charles, all of whom are in the Division of Biomedical Sciences and Neuroscience Program.

UCR's Office of Technology Commercialization has applied for a patent on the discovery by the Ethells and their collaborators, with an interest in finding partners to accelerate development of treatments for Fragile X syndrome and other forms of mental retardation and autism.

Mini Mouse

Mini Mouse
Originally uploaded by vczdavis

I Lifted this from: Beth, Fragile What? Who got it from Suzanne at Just a Bunch of Nothin'.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Outside My Window…is a view of my park

I am thinking…that I should be going to bed instead of updating Holly's Blog

I am thankful for…being lucky anough to stay at home with Holly.

From the kitchen…is my water bottle full of iced tea, which I take with me everywhere.

I am wearing… A soft model blanket wrapped around me to keep me warm.

I am creating…a list of activites from the last few days to remember to write about.

I am going…to have so much fun once I start arranging playdates and activities.

I am reading…blogs today.

I am hoping…for a smooth and easy transition, and a safe trip to Virginia

I am hearing… the sound of an airplain overhead, water from Mac the Turtle's tank, my fingers touching the keys, and the quiet of a sleeping house.

Around the house…are all of Hollys toys, and bags of shreded bills ready to go out to the recycling.

One of my favorite things…my tivo which has been broken and activing up

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week: Set up my new laptop, clean and pack the office I have occupied for the last 7.5 years, pack for our trip to Virgina, enjoy every moment of Holly time I can.

Sweetie Pie

Sweetie Pie
Originally uploaded by vczdavis

On Tuesday after work, we decided to go to Baby brigade to Celebrate my freedom. We invited Dave, Tracey, and Lucian, and were very excited that Dave could leave work early and join us. Lucian has gotten so much bigger in the last 2-3 weeks, his hair has grown, and he is more alert, and he really has transformed from an infant to a baby.

We saw Vicky Christina Barcelona. it is a Woody Allen Movie, and was entertaining. At the Theatre i ran into Isobel, and Sara Marina from my Mother's Group. Isobel starts work in November and was very inspired by my quitting my job, and is thinking about doing so herself. We made plans to get together after my trip to Virginia.

After the movie Joel and I kidnapped Lucian, and Tracey took Holly and we walked over to the nearby Star Bucks for some coffee. Lucian is very squishy and cuddly like a little Buddha. Holly has very high tone and is very tight, so it was neat holding a baby so soft and floppy, he is already 11 lbs, but feels so light, because Holly is so dense.

Once at the Coffee House Tracey and I chatted each with the other's baby, sitting on the table looking at each other. The two of them were quite adorable, and I sadly forgot to get any pictures, as we had so much to catch up on. We were home by 10 and Holly exhausted, fell right asleep.

Wednesday

This afternoon we had a session with Sally. Sally believes in letting the child somewhat lead the session and encouraging what it is they want to do, within reason of course, and today holly wanted to Stand. She is a little young for that, and typically more emphasis is made on crawling positions, but if the girl wanted to practice, Sally wasn't going to stop her. She wanted to make sure she was not locking her legs, as so many babies do, and holly was not. Also, she would sit on her knee and then stand and then sit. Sally showed me how to hold her hands / arms so that her elbows were bent and aligned with her side and shoulders, to strengthen her back muscles, and Holly quite enjoyed it.

Eventually we did get back to the basics, and had some tummy time, and she sat leaning on her side, bringing her legs around, and Sally showed me her hamstring muscles, which were amazingly tight they felt like bones, so when she sits, sometimes she bends her knees and bears down her heals and uses those hamstrings to support herself, ideally she should be using her back muscles and have strait posture, so when you tuck her legs in, as if she is sitting cross legged it prevents her from using those hamstrings to balance. So we tried that.

later in the evening I read Holly 5 books, and we played some more. it was time to practice eating carrots again, which she enjoyed. She is eating quite a bit. Tomorrow we go back to rice cereal again, as I finished the Carrots Container. Then she was so sleepy that she took a nap laying tummy down against mommy's arm, with her little head on my shoulder. It was the cutest thing you could imagine.

Office Toys

Office Toys
Originally uploaded by vczdavis

This past weekend Joel and I had a heart to heart and came to the decision that I didn't want to be working, and that I wanted to focus my time and attention on Holly and being the best mom I can. Joel is amazed at me when I am with her and so taken at how natural motherhood is, and has never seen me so happy. When I was on leave my time with Holly was sacred, for the first time in my life I lived in the moment, I was present and living every discovery, glance, and smile as she experienced it, and I felt blessed. I could sit and stare for hours and never be bored, agitated, frustrated, everything she did amazed me, even when she was crying and fussy, I had never known love like this.

After Holly was born, I told my mother, I now understood how much she loved me, because, before I had a baby, I never knew what that kind of love felt like, it overwhelms and consumes you, and though others warned me, it took my by surprised and the core of myself changed. I became someone new and was happy to give into that identity, I was Holly's mom, and that was all I wanted to be.

I know one day I may ask myself what happened to that ambitious and driven career woman, and if there is a time in the future when I miss her, I will be happy to set an example for my daughter and show her that there is joy in work, but I had lost myself. I had been working in a job that was very stressful, and overwhelming, it was my identity and my life, I never turned it off, and for a time that was ok.

The thing is, without realizing it, or having anything to measure my life, eight years have gone by and nothing had changed, I have a higher level position, I make more money, a have an advanced degree, I have more responsibility, but my life did not have more meaning.

Now I have a timekeeper, and every moment is precious. I can't believe that almost 7 months have gone by since I was in labor and embarking on this journey, and I honestly knew I would never forgive myself if I allowed myself to miss any of it. So this past weekend we decided I would quit my job.

This is a big change for me, because I am a very hard working, loyal, and committed individual, who has always put others before myself, including my organization, I valued myself on my accomplishments, at they were all materialistic. I am starting a new journey, where the way I define value will transform and I will again be able to enjoy each moment and be present in my surroundings and notice the beauty through my child's eye. I feel so lucky that I can do this.

Joel didn't want me to go back to work 1 month ago, but he never told me this, he is such a supportive husband, and he will do whatever it takes for me to be happy, and for the past month that meant dealing with me when I was tired, cranky, grumpy, and supporting me, even though he wished I would be home with Holly. He knew that my job was important to me, and he knew that I could make it work if that was what I wanted. but what he didn't realize is that being at work, was not what I wanted anymore. Sure, the struggle would diminish if I kept at it, and I could try and Balance everything, but I am the kind of person who likes to give 200%, and when that is 200% to both Work, and My Family, they both Suffer, and I feel like a split individual, so when I asked myself what I wanted, it was not to try and find a balance, but it was to allow myself the opportunity to enjoy my life and my child without feeling any guilt, or as if I wasn't contributing to society, but to value my decision, and look back with no regrets.

So on Tuesday I told my boss I would be resigning. While no one questioned my decision, and everyone understood, and many people told me that looking back, if they had, had the opportunity to do the same thing they would have, the weight that had been on my shoulders for the last month began to lift, and my heart filled with excitement, as I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

That is not to say that there will not be any hardship or struggle. the bay area is very expensive, and a single income home is rare, we will have to tighten out belts, and dip into our savings, but at least for a while we can and will make it work.

My boss offered me part time, and I knew that part time didn't mean part responsibility, and knowing my self better then some realize, I knew I had to remove myself from the situation, because I could not share my focus on Holly with anything else, I wanted to truly be in the moment with her as she discovers the world, not thinking about an upcoming report, meeting, or presentation. So I turned down her offer. As the day progressed I shared my news with others who were all shocked and saddened, for it will be a loss to the college to see me go, but everyone I can across knew I had made the right decision and applauded me for my bravery, because in these economic times, leaving a job like mine is a scary thing to do. I look ahead no longer in fear, but with building joy, as I can't wait until my last day, and to say goodbye, and to turn the page.

This was a book that I had been reading for a very long time, but it was time to begin a new one.