Juxtaposition

I have been feeling a bit philosophical as of lat so I figured I would write this post. It is something I had been thinking about for a few weeks now, actually ever since I had a conversation with Lorraine about growing up. Just after we danced like teenagers to Bon Jovi at the wedding. You have all seen picture of the play dates at Chloe's and I am sure rather then reading another play by play, you all already know the players and so this post will serve two purposes, an opportunity for me to be reflective, and one for you to browse pictures of holly and her friends. I will preface by saying that Chloe's mom and I had nothing to do at all with the game the girls made up towards the end of the post, we don't help them and they did all the pushing, pulling and climbing all on there own. Enjoy the photos.What I wanted to talk about today was being a teenager, growing up, taking risks, but really its a post about motherhood I think. It is hard to really get to the heart of the matter, and I am sure the philosophy I am describing won't be everyone;s experience, but it has been mind. I have been thinking of late about what it was like to be a kid, in fact a wild teenager, getting into trouble, experimenting, staying out all night (yes I was one of those teenagers) and I can hear my mother's words, don't you worry, you will get it all back when you have your own kids, and I guess for Holly's sake I hope I do.See... now I bet you weren't expecting to see that. But it is true, while I love my life now, and would not trade it in for the world, never in my life have I ever experienced so much freedom as when I was a teenager, and the sad thing is, you don't appreciate it when you are young, you don't even know you have it, as you feel trapped by adults, and school, and rules, and pretty much anyone with authority, but it is a personal freedom, that I think as we grow older we loose.I have been thinking lately on the notion of growing up, and I think there are two sides to it that are often over looked. I think many times people think that growing up means not having fun, not being goofy or silly, or playing. But I think that is a mistake, and I have always said I would never grow up, and in that respect I have been true to my word. I admittedly watch silly teeny bopper movies and TV Shows, I play video games, love rolling around in the grass and the sand and the ball pit with my kid, play fun games with her, tickle and chase her, sing silly songs, make up funny dances, and while I am not the goofiest of people, I was never that "Silly" as a kid either, so I feel like in many ways both Joel and I can be and at times are big kids, and I hope we never loose that.Finger painting, getting messy, playing int he mud, board games, camping in the back yard, collecting fireflies, believing in fairy tales, those are the parts of being a kid you want to and can actually hold on to, and when you have to be grown up you don't have to loose that. But there is another part that I think you loose, and ultimately I think you have to grow out of to be an adult. This confused me for a long time, because on one hand I felt very grown up and felt like a responsible adult, but on the other hand I felt like a big kid and didn't understand why.I think it has to do with those teen aged years. All the things above I am talking about really have to do with being a "kid" not a teenager. When you are a teenager you are discovering and experiencing the world, taking risks, being wild, irresponsible, wreckless, careless, and when you are a teenager you can. You don;t have to pay the bills, you don;t have to provide for your family, you don;t have to stay safe for your loved ones, you don;t have to take care of others, and really you can have an utter lack of concern to the consequences of your actions. This I think is freedom, and not every teenager gets to experience it, and even those who do, I think don;t appreciate it at the time, but I feel like this is a time of your life when you can live outrageously and truly burst at the seems and try new things and be crazy, and it is so well.. freeing.It makes me understand now when some people talk about kids having to grow up too fast, because some kids do have to help pay the bills, put food on the table, take care of a younger sibling, and they never get that chance, that once in a lifetime chance to really be free or society's proclamations about who you should be and what you should be doing and how you should think. They get to rebel. Well at least some of us do. Looking back, I am so grateful for those years, I didn't know it at the time, but I think if I knew what I do now, I might have been even more crazy and irresponsible (gasp) because the window you have to live in this way is short. Soon you are in a relationship and someone is counting on you, and then you are out on your own, and you have to put food on your table and pay rent and then eventually it is being a good wife, and balancing an ambitious career, paying a mortgage, and now you have co workers and a boss who is counting on you, and before you know it you are a mother. And well, now you have this life you have to love and protect and teach, and your world really shrinks, and nothing else matters, and you have everything to loose, so you have to be responsible, because the consequences are so great, that the risks aren't worth it.But for a few moments in your lifetime you are at a place when the consequences are inconsequential, and the risks are worth everything when you can experience life and freedom and you don't have anything to loose. I looking back truly appreciate those times. I wouldn't trade in what other;s might see as mistakes for anything, as they were world experiences, and shaped who I am today, but I also wouldn't go back for anything either, because what I have now has such value, that I wouldn't risk loosing it for anything.This will sound utterly silly, but an analogy is like becoming a vampire. When you are a teenager, or at least when I was, I imagined that if someone wanted to make me a vampire I would jump at the opportunity, to be immortal, to have that power, that freedom. But today, no way. I would loose the opportunity to be a wife and a mother, and nothing is worth giving that up, to me anyway. And I think that is the difference. I think when one becomes responsible, and people are counting on them, and they have things in there live that they value, a home, a family, that is when you have grown up, because you can no longer take crazy risks, as you may loose the things you love.So in a way, you can be grown-up, but you can still be a playful kid at heart. You give up part of that childhood, the rebellious teenage youth, but you can still hold on to being a kid. I don't know if any of this will make sense, and I suppose there are those out there who are able to somehow balance being a raver and a mom at the same time, but I think, I am am not trying to be judgemental here, those mom's haven't actually grow up yet, and don't know what they risk loosing.So I think the last point I want to make is that Yes, for Holly's sake, I hope she gives me back the worry and sleepless nights i gave my parents tenfold, I trust she will come out the other side safe and as long as she survives, I think those experiencing are something you can never have again, and can;t trade in, and I only wish there was some way to help her know that going in so she values them when they are happening, and appreciates them, but if a teenager thought in terms of appreciation and value, they wouldn't be taking risks, and wouldn't be a teenager.So I think the last point I want to make is that Yes, for Holly's sake, I hope she gives me back the worry and sleepless nights i gave my parents tenfold, I trust she will come out the other side safe and as long as she survives, I think those experiencing are something you can never have again, and can;t trade in, and I only wish there was some way to help her know that going in so she values them when they are happening, and appreciates them, but if a teenager thought in terms of appreciation and value, they wouldn't be taking risks, and wouldn't be a teenager.I also think a lot of my perspective comes from have a baby in my early 30's I had been married for 10 years, and utterly had oodles of time to be mostly free. I think there are other's who find themselves becoming a mom in there early 20's or even as teenagers, perhaps before they had a chance to experience this freedom, and that must be so difficult, because i think we are drawn to these life experiences, but they have responsibility thrust upon them before they actually had time to grow up, so they try as young parents to balance both, but I think often one part of there life might be lacking the balance they need. So I think in that way I think I feel really lucky that I had this great career and marrage and life before having children, as I can now appreciate motherhood without looking back and ever feeling like i missed out on anything else.