Book Club - Everyday Blessings

I have been putting off writing this post for almost two months now. I am not sure why, I suppose that the text we read in book club for this particular meeting had a profound impact on me and I wanted to do the description, discussion, of the topic justice, but it seems in stead I am just procrastinating, and so instead I will jump in.I have written this post several times in my mind, it always sounds so profound when it is in my head, unlike the words actually written here, I often wonder about that, how something can be so well "written" in your mind but then the beauty lost in translation to the page, i wish I had a way of recording those thoughts. In fact I thought next time I would use the voice recorder on my iPhone and actually record my thoughts verbally, but alas this last time I was in bed putting Holly to sleep. This is ironic, as you will see as instead of attending to the moment at hand I allowed my mind to wander and race to thoughts of the evening, what i had to do tonight, this blog, and what I would be trying to write before I myself could go to bed. The book we read was called Everyday Blessings: The inner work of Mindful parenting by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn, and for me was almost a primer in Zen teachings, in particular an approach on how to be zen everyday in parenting, how to be meditative, and how to be present, in essence mindful. Now for those of you who know me well, or at least have known me for a very long time, prior to ever having a child this might sound utterly strange coming from my lips, the very notion of me having an interest what so ever in meditation is the antithesis of what my core being had been. I might have easily been heard saying I didn't get it, not only could I not sit still, or talk, but to not even think, to clear your mind even for a moment, how could you not be thinking something, I think back to endless early relationship quibbles when i might have asked Joel what he was thinking and he would answer nothing, and this seemed like an utterly foreign concept, how is it even possible to think nothing, it was something I could never even have imagined let alone ever pondered on how to do.Yet here we are today, and after reading this book, it talks about some philosophical constructs I have been pondering since child birth that really resonate with me, and truly I thought to myself, I could totally do this meditation thing, how wonderful it would be to approach the day with a mindful, peaceful, presence, a truly zen approach. I even surmised that I perhaps could one day do a retreat, as when the book described it, it seemed something utterly welcoming in comparison to the chaos of everyday life with a toddler, not that that everyday life doesn't have its own magic, if fact it does, which is really what the book is about.It talks in one section about the 18 year retreat and how meditation is a practice and you simply do not start of as a master, but literally could be practicing your craft for 18 years, in your parenting, and why not use this gift, as a way to truly be present every moment with your children, or for that matter any task, I find in my old age, or as I have been know to say, with my newly adopted "Mommy brain" that it is harder and harder for me to multi task. I used to be able to watch TV, listen to music, browse the Internet, read blogs, write emails even knit all at the same time. now I find myself pausing a show if I need to read or write something, or closing the laptop when i want to actually watch a show. That isn't even considering the fact that at those moments when i am actually able to do any of these things the house is already full of quietness as Holly is asleep. It is a strange place in which I find myself these days.One of the examples in the book talks about doing the dishes, something so simple can provide a moment of meditation, the practice of being present with even such a mundane task. Why should your brain race, and should you be worrying about bills, and emails, and activities and duties and chores, why not simply think about the water running over your hands, the sponge, the dish, and then eventually nothing at all as your body rhythmically fills int he motions at hand and you begin to empty your mind and let the quiet in. I am not sure that I actually even know how to meditate, as shutting off my brain isn't something I know how to do. In these moments I find myself and thoughts wondering. it has become easier to turn off responsibilities and reminders, but sometimes I will find myself composing, posts, descriptions, reciting, stories i want to tell Joel. As I learned the the book, I acknowledge those thoughts and then let them drift away, back into the quiet, but then I will notice an itch, or a bird chirping, a cat meowing in the back yard, the sound of the water, the refrigerator humming, I never seem to get past these little observances into nothing, and I still am not sure if nothing is the goal, or what that would look like, but then again... this is a practice, and I have only been at it for two months.Another point int he book was how these meditations can be done anywhere at any time, a stop light in the car, two minutes of reflection, the moments in bed before drifting off to sleep, your morning shower, at least for those of us whose little ones let us get one on a daily basis. Supposedly in time, it becomes more natural less of a thought more of a routine, or even a habit. I read the book, and to be honest, I still have a few chapters left, maybe 1/4 to go. While I was in Mendocino at the beach. It is honestly one of the only times I get to read. I am trying to read another book now, but I get interrupted three times a page, so it is much more difficult, the current book is pulp fiction, so the interruptions do matter much, but with a book like this, the reading of it was almost a meditation in itself, to be so focused and in touch the way the words flowed like water, and it has been difficult to find moments when I have time and am in the right mindset to get back into it to finish. But back to the point.One afternoon I was sitting out on the porch, the windy cold porch, the air was crisp, ocean air, I was loving it, and I heard Jackie ask me, or maybe it was even Joel if I was cold, and I thought about this and said No. But it was inf act cold outside, at least the wind was cold and so I meditated on my answer and while i let the thoughts flow out and simply tried to "be" in my surroundings I noticed how warm it was. In fact the wind almost seemed to slow down, and I noticed between each gush was the sun and the heat of the day, and only when the wind would blow would the chill of the ocean cross my skin, but the in between, that was warm, and when one wasn't looking there you didn't notice it at all, in fact all you noticed was the wind if you weren't still and waiting. And in fact the in between was much more prominent then the wind itself, if you were open to it. This observation came right at the moment when I was reading the section on meditation about how it was like the waves, and how our mind is the waves and between each wave is stillness, and if we focus on the in between we can find that stillness. It was transformative to experience it just as I was reading it, a meditation within a meditation.Another part of the book that really spoke to me was on child birth. The weeks following Holly's birth was the first time I had ever in my life, or at least in an recent memory of my life truly been present, not planning for the future, thinking on the past, but living each moment as it came hurtling towards me and loving every single one of those moments. This is something I lost when I went back to work and feel like I have been searching for since I quit my job, it has been 10 months since then, a longer time then I had experienced this complete presence and I still haven't really found my way back. I get glimpses, but it isn't the same. The book talks about this. It in fact starts in pregnancy, when you are literally creating another human being from start to finish, and as a mother, a woman you become so aware of your body, so focused on your creation, and although you do tons of reading and planning and research, there are many moments when you just are. you are listening to the heart beat, feeling a kick, noticing the changes in your body, and this was how it started.I wonder if the initial magic wears off for everyone whether they return to work or not, for as your infant grows into a baby and then a toddler you are working on milestones, and weening, and solids, and play dates, and nap schedules, and typically some type of order eventually does resolve. I guess however the trick is allowing yourself to drift back and forth into the various role, of course you need to do chores, and have responsibilities and those must be managed and planned, but then you need to find a way to shift gears back into the moment when you are sitting on the grass and your little one notices a lady bug on the flower and you are right there with them, practically watching the magic of flowers growing, because in there eyes everything is new and everything is a tiny miracle.This I guess is where the practice comes in, the balance, of being able to live your life both present, but be able to plan and do the every day things you need to do. I find this shift hard. Some days i simply let go of everything and I am right there, others i am so caught up with what needs to be done, I miss out on the little moments. So the practice is learning how to do both not day by day but minute by minute.I am barely grazing the surface of this book, there is so much more, particularly about connecting with your children when they are older, conflict resolution, picking your battles, not letting the little things get to you, taking care of yourself. I find though, that for me, when I am reading the words I am feeling them, and when I am not it is so hard to remember exactly how to put into practice the philosophies that resonate so well to me, its like a bedside meditation that could be read over and over again. But then again, perhaps you are already very familiar with meditation and mindfulness and won;t find it so profound, but for me it was something so utterly foreign to the person whom I had always been before coming a mother, yet spoke so deeply to me now that I was a mother.I recall many of the moms in the group enjoyed the book, many were familiar with Jon Kabat-Zinn's other work, or other books on Zen Parenting and Mindfulness, so it probably didn't have the same impact on them, but many said they would read it again, and quite enjoyed it. I will finish it, and I will surely read it again, and I hope to have Joel read it as well. One last thought has to do with Holly's Diagnosis, it just sort of came to me upon finishing up this post. The person I was before having her, I think was very A type, the parent who would push their kid, focus on academics, work full time, and perhaps miss and not notice many things. Maybe that wasn't me, but I suspect that the notion of having lofty goals for my child the best schools, colleges, ect. were certainly there. The thing is, Its not that I still don't believe she can achieve many of those things that society typically uses to define success, it is that they don't matter to me like they once did. Status, wealth, ambition. I think coming to terms with and accepting her diagnosis, even before she was born, forced me into a place where I have learned to appreciate every single moment, achievement, milestone. Things other parents may not even notice when there child learns how to do it, clapping, reaching, chewing, squatting, banging together two blocks. It has made me appreciate everything she does and it has also made me realize that what she does doesn't really matter, what matters is who she is and that she is happy, and if anyone knows Holly they know what a happy baby she is, and i fully expect she will grow into a happy child, teenager (though I am sure we will experience the angst) and one day a happy adult. That is really all that matters. When one says that, i don;t think they always really know what that means, but I feel like being mindful and present help you to get it, and I feel like letting go of past expectations, and letting go of control, and giving in to the universe, when I got this curve ball was a big leap in helping to put me into the present.